"Figure"-ing It Out

It has been a while since I have written. Realized I got distracted by many things of a complex nature lately....

I worked with RW for a few weeks and was relieved there was not a paint to cuff blow out. Realized where he was at and appreciated his energy, strength in his craft, and what he was teaching. He was so seasoned and ready to focus on sharing his gifts and had a rapt class, that the model was an afterthought. I always knew he was a wonderful painter and visionary, but really got a taste of it as I worked. I never believe it is about the model, it is about the journey. The collaboration, the vibration that passes from one artist to another. In this element, I was able to let go of my own ego to realize the past was gone and not only were we actually showing growth as adults, but as friends who respect one another as well professionally. Personally, there might be some road to hoe. I feel that space is key. My change and growth has happened at a rate of light yrs that I cannot keep up with it on this blog forum. I must try, to accomplish horrid over-achiever goal of finishing book in one year. I miss him, but it is necessary for our growth as peers and friends to focus on our own way. Perhaps in time we can break bread and learn to share and appreciate each other. The growing pains are still apparent. But there is a level of respect and awareness I feel. That is perhaps enough for now.

Met someone a few months ago who blew my mind. DR is one of a kind....sort of a modern day superhero, old school gentleman, and comic book geek wrapped in a very pleasing aesthetic, albeit DIRECT, exterior. Crashed into him (literally) at one of the places I work. The very exciting and fanciful BLUR studios in Venice (by Santa Monica), CA (all of the wonderful family there including DR, Sze, Jon, Nathan, John C, Todd, Rocky, Sean, and owners Jen and Tim are gracious and inspiring. Knowing all of them has been a tremendous experience). I would have to say BLUR is a veritable geek's Disneyland....all sorts of toys, gadgets, plans, games, shenanigans, blinking winking computer gadgets to appeal to the man-children they hire who secretly harbor a childhood lust for Princess Leah (a very young, hot Carrie Fisher in 77) as the perfect woman. I can honestly say DR is one of the most beautiful people I have been fortunate to come into contact with. He truly inspires and delights, as well as irritates and challenges too. A wonderful friend who will call you out on things and make you both annoyed and anxious to change the bad and be a better person. I am learning much about myself from this friendship. It is a new thing for me. It has been an interesting journey filled with lots of laughs, deep connections, and reminders of respecting who people really are and what they need to do....I wonder where it will go...

Sometimes from one enchanted encounter, you meet others as well. I found that 6 mos ago I had the sensation I was "purging" alot of the old ways....I was moving into a realm of higher being, a place to finally purge some of the old demons of past and move on. In addition to this friendship, other amazing people have materialized....some beautiful women have come into play....lovely Del R who makes me think of old Hollywood beauties with the heart and soul of Melanie from GWTW and has been a sacrosanct for all things true and good in my feminine struggles and Sze J who is so talented and lovely and melts my heart with her offers of friendship and open heartiness that touch me to the core....My "old guard" is working wonders in the realms of growing up, going out, and being true in a timeless way (Thanks Gina, Lana, Chantal, Cat, Kirk, Chris, Heath, Ashton, etc). Chantal has been an ear and comfort in my insecure moments and takes me to a higher level in my creative process. She very graciously offered to "baby-sew" me on a daring new project. I had the nerve to start a Victorian Ball gown last week and she is bravely being my Tonto tomorrow to watch costume movies and finish the difficult skirt creation process. She is a true technician. Her artistry in her corset work is the best I have ever seen. She is a Master.

I have been re-visiting a book I shelved 3 yrs ago when I worked with a Shaman on a series of "higher power" rites and blessings. It is called "The Four Fold Way - Walking the Paths of the Warrior, Teacher, Healer and Visionary" by Angeles Arrien, PH. D." and it is about discovering balance in the roles of the four roles Healer, Visionary, Teacher, and Warrior The winds of change are about and I felt inspired to delve into this again. It was the right time cause there is a vibrational sensor that resonates in my core when I am reading it. I have come to face with some things this week and it helped me to work through some of my current difficulties.

I am reminded of the time I was first asked to model. I remember being lured into the prospect by the fascination with the sensuality, romance and timelessness with art modeling. I will write more about that another time. I understood the artist side already. I was always drawing growing up. I was always told I would go to art school or be a fashion designer. I was in advanced art in HS and then remember when I was 16 I had passed through some adolescent angst or another and then DISTINCTLY walked into the class, picked up the pen, looked at the paper and COULD NOT CREATE. I could not draw...that was one of the most haunting moments of my life. I always remember the choking feeling of not being able to create. I left it for over 10 yrs. Only in the last 2 yrs have I been able to TRY to draw again. The skills are rusty, the desire is there. I SEE clearly, but I wonder if I need more time to deal with the emotional issues that surround it. I went to a figure drawing session Wed night (with friends at BLUR who graciously extended an invitation for their monthly drawing session) and was so nervous, I woke up at 3:30 AM and stressed myself into a migraine all day, so when I showed up, I was an utter wreck trying to keep up a good front. I almost cancelled but felt the need to follow through. I have been trying to mentor a wonderful student I feel a kinship with from Art Center, JH, who I did not want to let down. I realized I needed to do alot of work to deal with that fear...needless to say I did not have a good night as a result...I was not my best self. I need to take better awareness of when I am fit to be social or not. It was a challenging night that ended with a frank talk and a rekindled awareness on my part on patience and clarity being lessons to work on. In many, many areas.

I took yesterday off and re-affirmed. Spent the latter part of the evening continuing to repair the past family issues of dysfunction with my older sister Amy. She is 2 yrs older then I and brilliant. MENSA brilliant as a matter of fact. She and I are night and day, but lately have come together as I am showing her how to train and eat right and de-stress. She is facing some challenging times and we are starting to bond over hr or hr and a half long walks or runs in the twilight of the Los Feliz hills. After that is coming the sisterly advice and knowledge I dismissed due to the wounds and chips on my shoulder. It is a process, but she helped me put alot of my immeadiate conflicts of the week in order. I am honored and grateful. I spoke to friends who are motivating me to look into maybe exploring acting or theater. And writing is helping. Another friend I used to sing with asked why I never do any music work anymore....all I could say is "I do not have a need". I wonder if it is an excuse. Someone pointed out to me lately that all our talents and abilities are gifts from the Creator. I pondered that and then he told me it is a sin as much to let them lie dormant as it is to have an ego about them. The sewing and creating timeless things is helping as much as my deeper training at the ballet studio. Those are always great comforts, but lately, as I am changing, there is a deeper intensity and peace I am feeling which ironicaly is making me push harder. I am seeing results so I contacted a ballet teacher about working on a number for our studio show in April.

I used to think everything I wanted was simple, orderly, and normal. None of those things seem to be manifesting lately. All avenues are pointing to paths of art, strength, and risks. Not the safest route, but I am feeling instinctively to prepare to rise to the challenge. For I have a feeling it will not be long before I will be called.