Sunday, February 5, 2012

"Every choice we make and who we effect has great impact, movement, and consequences. It is imperative to live with honor, integrity, and decency in our daily lives. No matter where you came from, who your family is, or what the odds were, each day we have the opportunity to CHOOSE what we want to CREATE and what the legacy is we will leave behind. What will you decide?" - TC

Those thoughts came to me as I celebrated my birthday at the end of June and then the 4th of July just days later. As I took a moment to reflect and give deep thanks to the Universe for the great Nation we live in and the freedom and choices we have as Americans, I started to apply those same thoughts to my personal life. The last two months have not been easy, in fact they have been some of the hardest, most challenging of my life. I have done my work (am still doing my work) and am realizing some things about myself. I realized my inability to conquer goals and also to reach higher was the root of a deep-seated doubt I had in my achieving success. It was a painful, yet startling discovery. I went through a show down a few months ago with DR and the result was a not so pleasent hr long conversation of us calling one another out on our faults in a rather hostle, defensive environment. After I calmed down, I started to process some of the things he was telling me. I had a moment of clarity and I realized that I could either take this moment as an opportunity to process, learn about myself, and grow and change or ignore it and feel sorry for myself. People do that. They become enamored with another person who has qualities and traits they lack and tend to shadow them. We think that the other person's persona might "magicaly rub off" on us. Like Tinkerbell's pixie dust. And when it does, we can fly and live happily ever after with our "perfect" self. Not so. It is a painful road to change patterns. Most of the time instead of flying through the air with the greatest of ease, we crash and burn and have nary a colorful bruise to show for it along the way. Most of the bruises are internal....perhaps on the heart, the soul, or the ego. I took two months to really work on things, try to change, and reach out. I have come to realize that this needed to happen, and also had to admit that it came in a way that few people could have conveyed it to me. Maybe it was a karmatic lesson two people needed to learn from one another? Who knows. Either way, I was grateful. I realized the time now was for me to be on my own completely. I started to think about why I did some of the things I did or patterns I had that kept me from being soley responsible for aquiring big goals, dreams, or desires. In a nutshell, I was AFRAID.

Being alone is not a bad thing. I used to think people were selfish cause they "wanted to be alone", like Garbo, until I tried it myself. I started to invest my time in my work. I got re-inspired and went back to the core. The Art community is my home and a great source of creativity and inspiration for me. In all aspects of my life I started to feel inspired. I realized this is the only time I will have to be completely selfish and that perhaps I was alone now to go after these things. Wasted talent and ability is like wasted life. You have to have a plan and execute it. I made a two year plan right after my birthday. For the next two years I promised my self I would do EVERYTHING I ever was afraid of and see where it got me. Writing, dancing, singing, acting, drawing, etc. All of it was there, at my disposal to try, if I just worked at it. I decided to start the book this week. I needed to get this particlular blog out of the way to sort these thoughts out, but knew after that it was time. Time to write about the artists and the collaborations and to tell stories and try to inspire from my point of view. I am very honored to be called and I need to document it while it is happneing so I do not lose a moment.

It is ironic to me that while I feel the surge to move forward, my past is all around me to breathe life into this movement. My first great love, EW, has appeared again after 3 yrs of silence. He was out of my life because of a relationship he had begun and did not feel the desire to create our on/off romantic past into a friendship at the time. Time went on, and we re-connected in a purely organic way 6 months ago. Then last week found him sitting in my home puring out the details of his break-up with his ex of 3.5 yrs and self discovery about himself and his role in the demise. It was like looking into a mirrior. We were in the same place. We decided to work on the friendship and I am happy to welcome him back into my life. I feel that his own journey will inspire and parallell mine. I'm starting to re-read the years of e-mails RW has sent me. They tell a whole different story now that I have grown and am in this mindset. I am seeing a kind, patient, insightful friend in RW, where I once saw only rejection and an enemy. Funny how words can shapeshift in time, just like relationships. I am also taking into consideration what a certain fatherly mentor is saying and learning to censure myself and take pride and value in my self (esp as a woman) then ever before. I am feeling empowered and also finding a deep passion to go after things. I am taking time for ME, but that does not mean that I can give up the things that make me who I am. I will always try to connect, seek action, go to the very core and heart of things, delve deep, take chances, and not be afraid to be vulnerable. That is just ME. I have been accused of not being sincere or needing to over acheive to be approved of. In some cases that might be true due to family issues, but for the most part I have always lead with my heart. It is the root of all I do and stand for. I am FINALLY understanding why people I admire for tenacity and magnificent personas say, "I need to be alone". Now that I understand and have adapted a similar plan for myself, I am not finding enough time in the day to be disciplined for ballet, writing, hussling, working for artists, delving into life, and creating. Finding passion and purpose in everything I touch has become as much of an obbsession as being able to say I did it on my own.

The next time I write it will be to focus on the book, not myself and my growth. There have been many people, publications, experiences, and situations that have led me to this point in the last few months that need to be accounted for. I think I understand and am moved to take action, but I cannot be dormant. I have this voracious desire to create something of value. For me and for my community. But I need to be SOLEY on my own to do so.

It is time. Time to just "Be".

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