Sunday, February 5, 2012

Your Life: Your Canvas

Has it been a year?

I took a much needed year off to focus, process, and grow. Shit and life happens and you change. This is the case for me. I spent the last year dealing with some deep pain and conflicts. Believe me, I was not jumping through hoops to begin this process......the Universe just sort of let me know it was time.

I look back at the last 10 yrs and the career that I believe called me, rather then I it, and reflect. It seems odd to have the honor and responsibility to inspire and carry a time honored tradition that has remained a mystery for over 500 years. It is as elusive as the "Master Painter's" brushwork or the last 10 pounds a woman cannot seem to shed. This is the first foray into channeling my thoughts again in over a year. I come to it the way the people I collaborate with and RESPECT approach a blank canvas prior to creating a work of art. Will it be a masterpiece or just another exercise in the articulation of time to "walk away from the canvas?" If the latter occurs will there be a multi-layer of creation on the surface consisting of oils, medium, and bootprints? Life can be similar........and may we all approach our calling and responsibilities with such reverence and purpose. There can be a beauty in all that reverie......or perhaps just a nervous breakdown in the making.......

It is my goal from here on out to bring some sense to the mantle I take up and the calling I try to avoid. I hope to be interesting.....or at least to calm the restless demons that run rampant in my mind. Most of those voices are conjured up from the past. The dark and painful voices that echo from a childhood filled with a lack of love, praise, and stability. It seems a GROSS error to me to have found a niche in a world of light, beauty, and inspiration while all the while carrying the scars of pain and crippling insecurity I had. This kind of pain can eat you alive. It can deaden the spirit of strength and creation in each of us if we do not find the tools and space to confront and heal. It was the driving force for me of many years of bitterness, fear, and substance abuse. I tried everything to escape both the negative voices and destiny. It was a hairs breath away from madness.

It is only now I can take it all in and realize the next half of my life is in my own hands. The deliberate task of puting purpose on my "canvas" stroke by diligent stroke is awe-inspiring. I think the resurection of this blog forum and the process of sharing thoughts is a start. It is both exciting and terrifying all at once. The words that heal me can be as raw and stark as the harsh burn of the alcohol that used to pour down my throat and fill me with numbness bliss in moments of escape......Only time will tell.

It is a sobering and powerful turn of the tide. As I stare at the blank canvas ahead of me, I am scared, yet comforted by the knowledge that it is my hand alone that controls the medium, rhythem, and PURPOSE of the movement that creates the image that will materialize on the is my work of Life......

And that bit of scintillating thought has given me the shot of courage I needed to make that first stroke.........

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