I have had the good fortune to really take a long look at myself lately.
Going deep is not always pleasant or easy. I was grateful for a deep
moment of clarity about a month ago that helped me see what I needed to
work on. I was dealing with alot of issues of the "abandoned child".
There are symptoms of this. The need for approval, acceptance,
security, and love can trigger behaviors and patterns that are not
always going to put us in the best light or present our best selves. I
was grateful to begin to work on what the deep issues were (and are
continuing to work on all of these things) and discover many things
about myself I was ready to face and change. I felt immenseley
vulnerable and actually for a period of time felt like I was constantly
saying "I am sorry" for everything I did. I was hyper sensitive and
insecure due to this discovery and also losing my feline and Familiar,
Ava, at the same time this was happening. I always thought it was
strange that people became so attached to their animals and mourned them
like family members till it happened to me. I had her for 10 yrs of my
life and she was a magnificent creature. It is hard to imagine that an
animal can teach you so much about behavior and compassion and other
things. It was a difficult time. As I started to dismantle the
heartspace, I got some clarity and strength again and realized that I
welcomed the challenge of change, but at the same time, sometimes people
who call you out on your faults, have many deep seated fears or
challenges of their own. I had been inspired by certain friends in my
life and am grateful for their example, but perhaps was a bit too
rosy-eyed with my assumptions of them being perfect people or capable of
possesing the maturity for true friendships. You can tell someone is a
real friend by the support or consistency they show you during the
rough times. By the actions they display when you are down or need
support. I have learned alot about the people I used to put my faith in
recently. The only person one can truly put their faith in is oneself.
I believe it is best to deal with these types of problems (I always say
problems are opportunities with thorns in them) head on to grow and
become your best, most valuable self. There is a beauty in humility and
surrender. I am finding my self more inspired and the level of
creativity in my work has been at an all time high. Perhaps it is
because I am just trying to experience "being" these days and not trying
to control the outcome of things.
I have embraced the art of
censoring, having learned the lesson very recently. Sometimes people
come into your life for a "reason, a season, or a lifetime". We must be
clear and have no expectation when the path divides, merely take what we
learn with good cheer and improve ourselves. I have learned a valuable
lesson the last few mos about the risks of having too open a heart.
People are unsure of what to make of you if you take risks, are deep, or
try to challenge them. They can either use it to grow, learn, and
attain wisdom, or they can feel trapped and turn their original offer of
friendship into a trip to asshole island. Or worse yet, disappear down
the rabbit hole if you show any signs of *gasp* being human or making
error. Perhaps, these people were never really your friends to begin
with, just ships passing in the night to get what they can for their own
gain. Once it is over, they move on to the next, never delving into
real friendship or relationship because they are weak, scared, immature,
or narcissistic. Or maybe they are just to afraid to deal with deep
issues. If you appear troubled or "weak" in front of them it triggers
their own need to see and deal with THEIR issues. Some people are just
not ready for that. I have learned to not be hurt or angry if this
occurs, just aware of it. It is easier to bury one's head in the sand
and ignore the elephant in the room. It is they who are the ones to
shake your head at and wish well, for they are always looking for the
next fix, rather then face the real challenge of changing the heart
space, growing, or attaining REAL adult relationships. The others who
are threatened or simply decide they do not like you and judge, simply
do not know what to make of you. Or, perhaps, your ability to speak your
truth openly is something that sets off a trigger in them that they are
not comfortable with. It is the mirror theory again. All you can do is
know who you are and be happy for the experience and what you learned.
It is the person who shape shifts and transcends to the next level who
truly wins
To sum it all up - Life simply ebbs and flows. One
must make sure they have a sturdy lifeboat and a thick skin to withstand
the current and cold. Being flexible and having a SENSE OF HUMOR is
vital. The beauty of life is that it is constantly changing. We write
the rules and create the next step of our journey with our choices,
actions, and desires. That is it in a nutshell.
"You must
acquire the trick of ignoring those who do not like you. In my
experience, those who do not like you fall into two categories: The
stupid and the envious. The stupid will like you in five years time.The
envious, never." - Duke of Rochester
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