Sunday, February 5, 2012

Facing Demons, Slaying Dragons, and Building Bridges

I have had the good fortune to really take a long look at myself lately. Going deep is not always pleasant or easy. I was grateful for a deep moment of clarity about a month ago that helped me see what I needed to work on. I was dealing with alot of issues of the "abandoned child". There are symptoms of this. The need for approval, acceptance, security, and love can trigger behaviors and patterns that are not always going to put us in the best light or present our best selves. I was grateful to begin to work on what the deep issues were (and are continuing to work on all of these things) and discover many things about myself I was ready to face and change. I felt immenseley vulnerable and actually for a period of time felt like I was constantly saying "I am sorry" for everything I did. I was hyper sensitive and insecure due to this discovery and also losing my feline and Familiar, Ava, at the same time this was happening. I always thought it was strange that people became so attached to their animals and mourned them like family members till it happened to me. I had her for 10 yrs of my life and she was a magnificent creature. It is hard to imagine that an animal can teach you so much about behavior and compassion and other things. It was a difficult time. As I started to dismantle the heartspace, I got some clarity and strength again and realized that I welcomed the challenge of change, but at the same time, sometimes people who call you out on your faults, have many deep seated fears or challenges of their own. I had been inspired by certain friends in my life and am grateful for their example, but perhaps was a bit too rosy-eyed with my assumptions of them being perfect people or capable of possesing the maturity for true friendships. You can tell someone is a real friend by the support or consistency they show you during the rough times. By the actions they display when you are down or need support. I have learned alot about the people I used to put my faith in recently. The only person one can truly put their faith in is oneself. I believe it is best to deal with these types of problems (I always say problems are opportunities with thorns in them) head on to grow and become your best, most valuable self. There is a beauty in humility and surrender. I am finding my self more inspired and the level of creativity in my work has been at an all time high. Perhaps it is because I am just trying to experience "being" these days and not trying to control the outcome of things.

I have embraced the art of censoring, having learned the lesson very recently. Sometimes people come into your life for a "reason, a season, or a lifetime". We must be clear and have no expectation when the path divides, merely take what we learn with good cheer and improve ourselves. I have learned a valuable lesson the last few mos about the risks of having too open a heart. People are unsure of what to make of you if you take risks, are deep, or try to challenge them. They can either use it to grow, learn, and attain wisdom, or they can feel trapped and turn their original offer of friendship into a trip to asshole island. Or worse yet, disappear down the rabbit hole if you show any signs of *gasp* being human or making error. Perhaps, these people were never really your friends to begin with, just ships passing in the night to get what they can for their own gain. Once it is over, they move on to the next, never delving into real friendship or relationship because they are weak, scared, immature, or narcissistic. Or maybe they are just to afraid to deal with deep issues. If you appear troubled or "weak" in front of them it triggers their own need to see and deal with THEIR issues. Some people are just not ready for that. I have learned to not be hurt or angry if this occurs, just aware of it. It is easier to bury one's head in the sand and ignore the elephant in the room. It is they who are the ones to shake your head at and wish well, for they are always looking for the next fix, rather then face the real challenge of changing the heart space, growing, or attaining REAL adult relationships. The others who are threatened or simply decide they do not like you and judge, simply do not know what to make of you. Or, perhaps, your ability to speak your truth openly is something that sets off a trigger in them that they are not comfortable with. It is the mirror theory again. All you can do is know who you are and be happy for the experience and what you learned. It is the person who shape shifts and transcends to the next level who truly wins

To sum it all up - Life simply ebbs and flows. One must make sure they have a sturdy lifeboat and a thick skin to withstand the current and cold. Being flexible and having a SENSE OF HUMOR is vital. The beauty of life is that it is constantly changing. We write the rules and create the next step of our journey with our choices, actions, and desires. That is it in a nutshell.

"You must acquire the trick of ignoring those who do not like you. In my experience, those who do not like you fall into two categories: The stupid and the envious. The stupid will like you in five years time.The envious, never." - Duke of Rochester

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